Water. Or rather, drink tons of it. I’m in Zihuatanejo, Mexico right now doing some research for a couple of big Mexican parties I have coming up and I expected to learn plenty and of course fly home with some great recipes. I did NOT expect to get a lesson in capitalism.

Since the day we Californians even think about taking our first trip to Mexico, we’re warned: " Don’t drink the water! " Ha ha, so funny. This is similar to the stop, drop and roll training we get for earthquakes. Great. So, we all know about the water jokes. What did these freakin’ brilliant Mexican marketers do? They punked us! I’m at this great resort called The Tides and the SECOND you sit down, you get a "Water Menu." What the…? This menu has about 8 different flippin’ water options on it, because we all know you can’t drink the stuff right out of the tap. So guess what, you get a million dollar choice of Ty Nant, Fiji, Evian, whatever, all at an astronomical price. It wasn’t until day 3 that I finally realized that not everybody could possibly be ordering off the Water Menu, right? So I asked if there wasn’t a slightly cheaper, Mexican bottled option that didn’t fly here from France on the Concord with a million dollar, Euro translated price tag? Por supuesto, there’s a Mexican version for like half the price (yes Mom, I did watch them break the seal in front of me so it wasn’t from a hose around back.)

Talk about making lemonade out of frickin’ lemons. Smarty pants Americans don’t want to drink our water, fine, here you go, big special expensive Water Menu. We’ll win anyway and laugh all the way to the bank. (In the interest of your attention span, I’m not even going to go into the whole discussion about this bottled water situation being the classic example of the Emperor without Clothes.)

Another great thing they do to add to the pomp and circumstance of your water situation, is that they offer you a MINIIIIIIIII choice of a slice of grapefruit, lime with yerba buena, mint, ginger, cinnamon (stick), raspberry, blackberry, etc to put in your water. By the way, these pieces are so small my 2 year old must’ve cut them and they don’t even add a ton of flavor but if we MacDaddied it out like we do with everything in the States, this could be a really cool upscale idea. I hate smart people. Adios for now, I’m thirsty.

Just when I think, in fact am SURE that my life can’t get any better, I get this sweet email from Aisha, also known as Lady272. Of course. Who but a lady would write such sweet emails:

* * *

Hello,you got a message from "Lady272"

User datails :
* I am interested in Dating / Long-term Potential
* Age : 27
* Height: 5?6?
* Body type: Average
* Hair color: Blond
* Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
* Looks: Very attractive

* Education: Graduate degree
* Occupation: Other
* Income: Not specified
* I speak: English
* Religion: Christian - other

* Relationship status: Divorced
* Children: No
* Wants children: Undecided

* Smoking: Never
* Drinking: Rarely

Message :

hi there,
i am interested in you,
get me back to my emailbox : positivesensation@gmail.com

* * *

Now thank goodness, Aisha/Lady 272 is interested in me. Interested in me planning her party? See above, she doesn’t drink. Interested in dating me? See above, she’s &quotivorced." She is, however "Very attractive." Ah, not so much. I am just going to throw it out there again because now I have lots of new blog subscribers: WHO DOES THIS????? Who has time? What is she after? Will an email like this get me to respond and give her my PIN number? I don’t get it. If anyone does get it and can please contact Miss Positive Sensation, let me know; you will MAKE MY DAY. Trust me, you will.

TPG, Signing Off

Update: A nice gentleman named Clint just emailed me to tell me he’s gotten this same email 3 times this week, all with the same picture and Miss Lady Aisha is not really interested in me. Devastating.

This just in. Anderson Cooper was spotted? followed? something exciting in a 100 mph high speed chase somewhere on the East Coast with his lhapsa apsa (sp?) dog named Tinkle Twat or something like that. I know this is very vague but my Mom is, once again, laughing so hard she is crying. Evidently Fox broke into the news hour to announce this and CNN just kept reporting debate info as usual. (Shocker, Anderson works for CNN.) It appears, based on the story, that Anderson is flamingly gay based on the Tinkle Twat name. This is just fine with me as I, like Tori Spelling, "love my gays." However, I think maybe he should just come out of the closet instead of blasting ahead at 100 mph so no one sees him with his dog. Someone please give me the scoop. I’m sure it will be you Robyn. Melanie, thank heavens we talked; if you’re still up, please Google this. TMZ is a bust so far.

Here’s what’s going on over here. I have a work situation that is driving me batty (make that about 6 of them). Because of this, I am manifesting a cheerful attitude. This involves reading Harmonic Wealth by James Arthur Ray at night, listening to Marcus Buckingham’s Go Put Your Strengths To Work while I exercise and Michael Gerber’s E-Myth Revisted while I drive. I am a mobile paradise of positive thinking and it is not working. Ten seconds from now I will be watching The Secret and writing my manifest lists. Meantime, I feel like someone took my positive little numbers and switched them with the challenged neighbor’s down the street. Nothing is working. I am about to check on Mercury being in retrograde because everyone I come in contact with have lost their minds.

How do I know none of this is working? Because I just opened the dishwasher to find a melted plastic roach trap veritably sautered inside the bottom of the machine after all of the clean dishes had been put away. I am sure one of my children (who probably put it in there in the first place) will now have three heads. While the rest of the world is going green, I am spewing toxic trash to all familial eating utensils. I was so wound up last night that I took a bottle, rather bucket full of Alka-Seltzer (the last one, never a good sign) and chased it with a glass of sauvignon blanc. This was after I realized that I had already popped a couple of Motrin. This morning, due to too much port and cheese for dinner, I dug into the best frickin’ oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever eaten. I ate seven. Surrounded in a positive pink TPG haze of sugar and karmic backlashes, I agreed to go and see Tropic Thunder with my better half. This has to be the worst movie ever made.

Because nothing is working and because my husband will not, under any circumstances tolerate a replay of The Secret which he considers toxic, California hogwash, I am going to settle in to an evening of mindless blogging and manifesting celebrity clients. Someone call Tony Robbins, I think I need to "change my state." While we’re at it, has anyone heard from Kate Hudson? She still, despite all of my chanting in her direction has not called. (If this Kate Hudson reference means nothing to you because you’re new to my blog, you’ll have to go back a couple of months to the archives and get filled in.) 

OK, I have a new favorite person in my life. She is impossibly fabulous and I cannot get enough of her. Not in a lesbian like way of course, just in a mere fascination, train-wreckish kind of way - the whole situation is just too good to be true. Let me elaborate.

Yesterday I get a 9-1-1 from my very uptight (she would say this herself I think) mother first thing in the morning. She is laughing so hard she is crying and if it weren’t for Caller I.D. I would never have recognized the voice. She can’t speak because she herself has just been introduced to the deliciousness of Pigeon O’Brien. What is a pigeon? According to Wikipedia: Pigeons and doves are stout-bodied birds with short necks and short slender bills with a fleshy cere. Doves and pigeons build relatively flimsy nests from sticks and other
debris, which may be placed in trees, on ledges, or on the ground,
depending on species. According to TPG: Pigeons are flying rat-type birds that poop a tremendous amount, often on parts of my body, especially on trips to large cities when I am wearing silk.

Pigeon O’Brien is the "friend" (I use this word VERY loosely, standby for why) of Rielle Hunter, (she pronounces it Ree-elle although most of the world has been calling her Rye-lee), John Edwards mistress. You really need to see the divine miss bird speak for herself because it is show-stopping and mind blowing. Politics is completely irrelevant to me in this situation. John Edwards’ wife is dying of inoperable cancer and this dude is banging a chick with a friend called Pigeon. There has to be some special karma for this kind of thing. Anyway, in the CBS interview with Pigeon, she talks about Rielle (Reeeeee-ellllle) being "very interested in what makes people tick, rigorous dialogue, and only connects with people on a soul level. She is a person of tremendous integrity, more so than anyone else she’s (Pigeon’s) ever known." Pigeon goes on to say how Reeeee-ellle noted how committed the Edwards’ relationship is (ah, helllllloooooo).

To make my entire day, Pigeon then went on Fox (don’t worry, I Tivo’d it because yes, I do work and secretly I wanted to make sure I could re-watch it if I had a bad day) and kind of got creamed. The host kept asking her what her "friend" Reeeeee-ellllle would think of Pigeon trash-talking her. Pigeon didn’t think she would be too thrilled. Certainly she’s not as thrilled as I am with the whole thing. Pigeon capped off the interview by swearing on her alive mother’s life that John Edwards is the father of Reeeeeee-elllllle’s baby. (Oh, and she also mentioned that she has received some mild threats, not exactly to her life, just, you know, threats. Ah, ya thiiiiiiiink?) Check out the links. Life just couldn’t get better.

Here are some additional notes, compliments of Mahalo.com - deeeeeeelightful.

Fast Facts

1. Claims the Hunter affair with Edwards started in February of 2006
2. Says that Hunter is insistent on integrity, honesty and openness
3. She doesn’t judge her friend for falling in love with Edwards
4. Says that the affair was about love, not sex
5. Claims that Edwards and Hunter connected on a deeply intellectual level
6. Never discussed Hunter’s conscience regarding having an affair with a married man
7. Lost touch with Hunter around June of 2006 as she focused on Edwards
8. Says that Edwards and Hunter were mutually engaged in the relationship
9. She believes that Edwards is the father of Frances Quinn Hunter