You want a blog? Here’s a blog

In the last couple of weeks, one of my dearest friends has had some challenges. These challenges have included, but are not limited to: theft, slander, libel, moderate stalking, intimidation, threats and moderate-severe marital discord. TPG, wanting to be a good friend (it’s the holidays and all), and also have been the victim, I use that word somewhat seriously, of similar attacks (think Millionaire Matchmaker) tried to show up and help. This help included but was not limited to: in person meetings, tearful interludes, counseling, babysitting and cooking. I was happy to do it. Until…

Until my slandered, libeled, broken, challenged and bitter (my word, not hers) friend and her delicious little child who might as well be one of my own, decides (now, of course that she’s coming out on the other side of the drama) to drop a few points that “Ya know, you haven’t had a really good blog in awhile.”

Me: Arf, chortle, cough, cough. “I haven’t had a good blog in awhile?”

Her: “Yeah, you know one of the good ones about Marc or the kids, or your employees or anything.”

Me: “Did you say I haven’t had a good blog in awhile?”

Her: “Yeah, you know what I mean.”

Me: Oh, I know what she means alright. Do you think she knows that I HAVE BARELY WASHED MY FACE SINCE HER CRISIS STARTED?? Does she think that perhaps while I have been running the Christmas candy parade keeping cheer going while she’s in the midst of her certifiable nightmare, that perhaps, just perhaps, I have been a little g.d. busy? A little f—ing busy being cheerful and full of lipstick as I fall asleep in my soup and forget to eat my lunch because I am so stressed out and feel so badly for one of my best friends? DOES THIS REGISTER WITH ANYONE THAT I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD HUMAN BEING? That perhaps my BLOG was not the most important thing on my mind? Does anyone realize that I am running 3 companies, have a book coming out in stores in 1 month and a friend in crisis and that I haven’t even written my own G.D. CHRISTMAS CARD, let alone wrapped a gift for any one of my THREE CHILDREN because I have been organizing a 24/7 triage situation, circling the wagons, bailing her out? Anyone out there? Anyone get it? My BLOG WAS NOT THE HIGHEST THING ON MY FLIPPIN’ LIST??

So here you have it. Here’s the blog. Now that my blood pressure is through the roof over this. Now that I’ve recounted all of the things that I have NOT done for the holidays while little miss princess recovers. Now she’s recovering beautifully by the way. She looks great. She’s cheerful and rested (Xanax probably). All dark on the western drama front for her. Right, because people now have other crap to talk about. They’ve moved on. Her issues are old news. And let’s not forget that the sympathy has been pouring in for her. People coming out of the woodwork to help. And you know where I am? I am Christmas cardless, fried, toasted, blog-stat-less and FAT because I have not gone to the gym. So you guys want a blog. Let’s talk about the g.d. rug people because I am now FIRED UP.

I want to talk about the rug people who are going out of business. Every g.d. day in the weekend section of the Los Angeles Times we get the ginormous announcement about the rug people: “PUBLIC NOTICE – PRIVATE AUCTION!!!!!” Final Days!! (These rug people have been in their final days for like a year.) ONE DAY ONLY!! (One day only until next Saturday when they clog my newspaper full of rug garbage.) ORIENTAL & PERSIAN RUG ASSETS. What the heyyyyllll is a frickin’ “RUG ASSET?” Now we’ve got photos of the four generations of rug families. This one guy looks like a gentleman on one of the picture frames I was thinking about buying for Christmas. Then we have more 1950’s photos of some family. This is not like an old Kardashian family photo, this is supposed to be some 1950’s I guess Persian rug family photo? Who cares?! No one knows who founded the rugs of Persia.

Then they say that it’s the Largest Auction in the History of Oriental Rugs! Don’t miss out!!! There are about 70 different fonts in this ad, it is so big I thought it was a tribute to Michael Jackson. More photos. More data by the “Global Liquidation Company.” These rugs are from the family vault, from Afghanistan!!

Are you kidding me? So we’re going to post a ton of family rug photos, with some bogus auction that takes place every Saturday with more rules than a TSA flight screening and the hook is that I’m going to be lured into buying some Afghan family vaulted rugs that freakin’ Osama was probably making a pee pee on? Oh thank you no. Now today’s article says “KENNY JONES TAKES FULL COMMAND!” Takes full command of what? Osama’s rugs? Command of American Idol? Of Paris Hilton’s extradition issues from Japan? What is Kenny taking command of? Who is Kenny? Who the hell cares?! So you wanted a blog, there you go. I am going to march right down to that rug place (by the way a new one is popping up all over the place. They are everywhere in Pasadena. Now there’s one right next to the fire station so I guess if Osama’s pee pee starts a fire, the trucks will be close enough to put it out and save Kenny Jones’ collection. (Heads up to rug people everywhere: If you’re leading with this 4 generation of rug family nomadic garbage, at least make up a name that sounds nomadic. Kenny Jones does not cut it! Say: “Punjab Swarmi-San Takes Full Control!” “Swarmi-Sun weaves rugs for hundreds of year in front of nomadic fire in Shangri-La. Father was world leader of Islam.” Something that at least sounds interesting and will make me buy a polyester rug that I don’t need.

People, please comment on this blog. 1 in 7 houses is in foreclosure. Is the world now running out to buy rugs?? Are you going to lose your house and then buy a rug so that you’re comfortable sleeping on a street corner? Look ma, I’m homeless, but I’ve got this beautiful rug to sleep on in the church doorway. Send warm soup. I was saved by Kenny Jones.

So there’s your blog. I’m not going to say another word now. This blog better keep you all nice and tidy because I have a CHRISTMAS CARD TO WRITE and children to feed and a family to call and love.

Good bye, I am done.

And P. Freakin’ S. – I hope Sammy ate that banana before her test because I am just over the reminders right about now!!!!!!! I have my own bananas to eat. My brain doesn’t work but thank goodness Sammy’s probably does. In fact, Sammy’s probably going to win the Nobel Peace Prize today.