As my loyal Twitter followers know, last week involved emergency botox due to the fact that my publicist basically said I looked moderately to severely dehydrated/challenged or just old. This resulted in a popped blood vessel near my eye because yes, shocker, natch, I have crows feet. I return home and all is well. I should’ve known better. (Upside: Crows feet are gone.)
Mother of the year decides it would be a good idea to see her 3 year old’s new school (it’s been under construction and they’re having a little mini benefit.) TPG and husband scoot out to win their parental awards or at least try and get a vote. We go to the benefit, have a little fun, catch some dinner and get home pretty early (before 9 for sure.) We are greeted by a very grim looking babysitter (no, not the soap stealer, another one.) She proceeds to tell us that “Coco fwall.” Fwall? WTF? I haven’t even had more than one drink at this point. “She fwall.” (Lilliam is pretty much a carbon copy in every way of Zoila from Flipping Out.) Well her “fwall” I discover the next morning is a contusion that would’ve taken Arnold Schwarzzeneger out. Seriously? This is what I get for trying to support the school?
The next day Coco’s (18 months) hair is totally matted down (Neosporin) but she’s lucid and cheerful. When I get more details I learn “she wa dencin’.” So now at our house we “dence” with reckless abandon right near solid objects known as furniture.
Enter the 14 year old. Saturday morning I take a gander at him. His right leg has a giant patch on the back of it and this is secured with tape. TAPE! Like Scoth TAPE! I swear to you on my life, I am in the Twilight Zone. I asked him what happened. Perhaps he was “dencin’” with his brother. No, he was in fighting class and got pummeled. You see fighting class is what we legally send our children to in Pasadena so they do not get arrested. (He’s in Hapkido, accidents do happen but still.) His flogging resulted in a pulled muscle (sympathy card) and this massive heat patch taped to the calf situation. This incident also included sporadic and timely limping which increased tremendously around the time I said we needed to get to Mass. (Somebody’s got to pray for these kids.)
So let’s recap: Mama is so vain she has burst a blood vessel below her eye. Dancing queen has a head injury and junior rock star high schooler is bandaged from head to toe. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. As of the time of this writing, Stanley (3) is unharmed. But check tomorrow’s blog for what he’s been up to. None of it’s good. None of it at all.
(P.S. Beach Bomar, you saw this coming. Yep, the only thing left to do is re-feng shui the house.)
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