If you’ve been a blog follower of mine for a while, you already know I’ve had my share of husbands, boyfriends, and bad dates! One could say, I’m a little unlucky in love! Or, we could just chalk it up to me being a bad picker! We kicked off Valentine’s month by sharing swoon-worthy brunch ideas so you could share the love with friends. In preparation for Valentine’s Day last week, we offered up the best ways to say ‘I Love You.’ Seems to me it’s only fitting to make this week all about the WORST ways to say ‘Yo, I Don’t Love You Anymore!’
That’s right peeps, this week we’re talking about bad breakups and the lamest, most awful ways to dump the one you used to love (or liked)! We get it, now that Cupid’s gone back to where ever Cupid goes back to, you might be bored feeling your relationship just isn’t what you had in mind. If the spark is suddenly gone, we’re gonna explain exactly what NOT to do!
Tell Me If You’ve Heard This One Before…
You meet someone. You think it’s going pretty well. Then they drop off the planet. Or tell you they aren’t interested in dating after all, which, of course, means they aren’t interested in dating YOU after all! But none of this actually takes place in a conversation! You know what I’m talking about, right?! At the end of last year, after I’d gone on a particularly horrid date, my friend sent me an article from SomeECards.com called 7 Slang Terms About Romance (Or Lack Thereof) You Should Know Before Going On A Date. Was it ever an eye opener! Literally, every single thing on the list had happened to me before (many times!), only I didn’t know they had official names!
Getting Dumped 9 Ways
Here’s a quick summary list of terms you should know (print it, burn it, hang it on your wall, I don’t care but you should definitely read this solid gold dating advice) and watch my video series so you can hear my breakdown (literal AND figurative!) of these 7 slang terms. Plus, you’ll learn two Marley Majcher originals you can add to the list of bad breakups!
GHOSTING: ignoring people
BENCHING: when you’re not into somebody but you keep them on the bench just in case…
BREADCRUMBING: leading someone on (only to ghost or bench them in the end)
CUSHIONING: finding a human back up in case your first choice fails
SLOW FADE: gradual ghosting
CATCH & RELEASE: when you “catch” someone and then let them go after the chase (and other things…) have been completed
ZOMBIE-ING: coming back from the dead after weeks, months, or even years!
Bad Breakups That Are Party Goddess Originals!
SOOP: stands for “Significant Other On Premises” and is a blow off that occurs when a person who’s been hitting on you all year long suddenly appears at some function with a significant other and acts like they don’t know you!
THE NOODLE: the person you’re dating suddenly becomes a flimsy noodle with no backbone because dating you creates too much conflict with their ex.
If It Wasn’t True, I Would Laugh!
I don’t even have to ask if these things have happened to you. Based on the experiences of my friends, and my friends’ friends, and my friends’ friends’ friends, it has! Getting dumped via ghosting, or being someone’s cushion, and finding out that you’re dating a noodle (which means you’re about to get dumped) is universal! Universally awful, yes! That’s why they write books and make movies about this stuff! Speaking of which, here are some classic films and novels where the hero is getting his or her heart splattered all over! Let’s start with…
Vince Vaughn forgets to bring home some lemons. Heartbreak ensues. But, hey, if someone is willing to dump Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn (we all know that story!) then it truly can happen to anybody, so don’t feel bad!
The moral of the story is, if you go on vacation to try and forget about your ex, make sure he or she isn’t staying at the same resort with a sex-addicted rockstar!
If you’re a duke or an earl or whatever Mr. Darcy was, don’t fall in love with a lowly peasant girl! Especially if you’re betrothed to Dame Judi Dench’s granddaughter! It’s a Jane Austen classic with a happy ending (of course!) but if you want to watch Keira Knightley shut-it-down, this film has a seriously dramatic dumping!
You might have had to read this one in high school English class. A guy falls for a girl who doesn’t care about him. Then spends his whole life pursuing her even though she breadcrumbs, cushions, and benches the poor schmuck over and over again! Yes, they made a movie of it. Betty Davis did the dumping!
7 Of The Worst Breakups Texts Ever!
Please, please, please, don’t dump people over text! But, if you’re going to, make sure you’re sending the message to the right person and that autocorrect is turned off!
Before There Were Texts, There Were Dear John Letters
Think you’ve had a bad breakup, here are two of the most painful Dear John letters ever written!
Written by Jacqueline Bouvier years before she met John F. Kennedy, she wrote to her boyfriend:
While Ernest Hemingway was fighting during WWI, he received a letter from the woman he was in love with. Guess he showed her!
6 Ways To Heal A Broken Heart
Drink! Nothing numbs the pain like a cocktail! Here are 6 boozy and non-boozy items you’ll want to have on hand for your next breakup. And, bonus, they’re all in pink to commemorate the month of love (and lack thereof!)
Why make one drink when you know you’ll just have to made another? That’s what blenders are for! Nothing soothes the heartbroken soul like an entire pitcher of your favorite ice blended cocktail! And nothing lights up your kitchen like a blender that’s a pretty shade of pale pink.
Might as well put a pink drink in that blender! Here’s a rummy cocktail that will take the edge off.
Pink Roller Skates
We’re always talking about fun ways to stay fit (you’re gonna have to look good if you want to snare Mr. Right, right?!). I don’t know why roller skating went out of style with 8-track tapes, but I think it’s definitely ready to make a comeback with these gorgeous pink skates!
Katy Perry Pink Hair
Stylists love breakups! It means you’ll be in soon for a new hairdo! Give your middle finger to convention and try a new color that will make you do a happy dance!
New Hair = New Make-Up!
You’re going to need a makeover to go with that new hair style!
Sign Of Things To Come
Stay positive with the help of badass girl quotes that remind you that you’re better off without him! (And that you’re fabulous!)
For other whimsical ideas about falling in love and (sigh!) breaking up, check out my Valentine’s Board on Pinterest! Want to see what else we’re doing before we wrap up the month? Check out our February Video!
P.S. Wondering how much booze to buy for your next party? Get the answer to this and get many other time-saving super fab party tips in our FREE guide to plan a party like a top event planner!
Have you had a horrible, terrible, very bad breakup? Tell us all about it in the comments below! (Misery loves company!)