I Tried To Kill Him with a Piece of Chicken

OK, you probably saw the post today on minis. I have tried to take all of my energy and focus it into positive blogging. Clearly this has not been successful at all. (Note: The mini hamburger post was written YESTERDAY and pre-posted, essentially after the husband ramp up post.) So after going off on the man to which I am legally bound, of course I had an opportunity to redeem myself, which I skip. The universe loves tests so what happens mere hours after my fateful post? He (my husband, not the universe) pulls out some chicken from the fridge. I hadn’t discarded it because as you know I have been barfing, shopping at Target, working and taping my son to his clean dish towels (see previous post.)

So he says: “Is this chicken still good?” And I, without missing one beat say “Yep!” Cheerful, cheerful. He gobbles up the whole thing. (Half French and half Italian, he likes his food so it was a quick process.) For the rest of the night, I continued to eavesdrop on his respiratory signals. I was convinced that he would drop dead or just start complaining of faint stomach cramps any second. He was also working on the computer A LOT. Of course. I just kept thinking, Lord, please do not have him decide that today is the day he is curious about my blogging. So I wake up this morning and he seems fine. Fit as a fiddle. So now I’m secretly thinking, what happened to my bad chicken plan? Salmonella can kill a linebacker, yet nothing. He’s still here. Then I kind of felt relieved. I mean, what if he had passed and gurgled and grunted his way to the E.R. and couldn’t have spoken for himself and the doctor interviewed ME instead? Would I say yes, I tried to kill him with bad chicken? Would I just feign distress? I would have to appear distressed, my heavens, I would be in the midst of losing my loving husband while 9 months pregnant. I actually kind of had a distress plan and thoughts of slightly watering down my Maybelline Great Lash so that it would sweat off my eyelashes and the tears would come easily. Meantime, I’m pretty sure we’ve exceeded the time frame when killer food poisoning would set in but I do have some ideas for the future.