I cannot believe that I have stopped everything I am doing (which right now includes proofing very pink informational products for HowToBeAPartyGoddess.com and I am about to go blind) but I have to. So I just had a “routine” interview by one of the insurance companies about my health because I’m modifying my current plan. I am literally laughing out loud right now it was so challenged. Readers’ Note: Everywhere you see [ ] it’s me telling you what’s on my mind, not me talking. Got it?
InsCo: [In the blandest frickin’ voice you’ve EVER heard. Maybe that’s why she interviews for insurance companies?? No tv career for you sista!] How are you today Miss Matcher?
Me: Delightful. Thanks for asking. [Really, I’ve got a Thera-Flu hangover, but it’s all good.]
InsCo: Miss Matcher, have you abused narcotics, amphetamines, marijuana, crack cocaine…in the last 6 months?
Me: No [but I should have. Actually, did you see my blog from the other day, I have a photo of crack, rather white sugar, does that count? Oh yeah, and I watched Sober House last night, and Steven Adler has a heroine problem, but no, not me. I’m creating pink informational products day and night, addicted to yerba matte tea and hoodia pops – eat candy, lose weight, ask me how – all the way.]
InsCo: Miss Matcher, have you been hospitalized in the last 5 years?
Me: Yes.
InsCo: For what, Miss Matcher? [At this point, I know she’s going to keep asking follow up questions but I just decide to pretend like I’m in a deposition because this woman CLEARLY has no sense of humor.]
Me: In 2006 for the birth of my son. [Yes, later in 2008 for the birth of my daughter but that’s not as exciting for this blog.]
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what was the outcome of that hospitalization?
Me: A birth.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, were there any complications as a result of that hospitalization?
Me: Yes.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what were those complications?
Me: A 2 year old. [Do the math rock star these boys ain’t fun.]
InsCo: And Miss Matcher do you take any medications?
Me: Yes.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what are those medications?
Me: Hydroquinone.
InsCo: And what is the dosage? [Then that part gets boring but it’s important to the story.] And Miss Matcher, who was the prescribing physician Miss Matcher?
Me: Dr. Teresa Soriano. [She will LOOOOOVE this dialogue. Not – she’s my dermatologist. We went to college together and she is very similar in personality to my husband, remember, the one I can’t blog about because his name might get linked to mine in Google? She actually has a reputation to maintain too, so this is delicious that I’m doing this to her.]
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, when did you see this physican last?
Me: October 2008.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what was the reason for the visit?
Me: Wrinkles.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what was the diagnosis?
Me: Sun spots and wrinklles. [I swear on my life I almost laughed out loud, she never even flinched. This must be part of their special training in case I said oh yeah, I went to her to diagnose AIDS or something.]
InsCo: And was there any action that needed to be taken as a result of this diagnosis?
Me: Yes.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, what was that action?
Me: Botox and skin bleaching cream.
InsCo: And Miss Matcher, were there any further complications?
Me: Complications to the wrinkles? [Yes, I lost my potential spot on The Real Housewives of Los Angeles? Ma’am, are you possibly abusing narcotics, amphetamines, marijuana, crack cocaine yourself? Honestly. But I still go along in my professional manner.]
InsCo: Yes, any further complications?
Me: No, the botox worked.
InsCo: And the cream, any further complications?
Me: [I guess ask Michael Jackson, but it seems to work fine?] No, no complications. [My husband loves my white skin? What the hell else kind of answer was she looking for?] [Then it gets boring.]
InsCo: OK Miss Matcher, thank you for your time.
Me: No Ma’am, thank yooooou. [All I can smell is deliciously high blog ratings and the potential that my little teenage fans will direct people to it from their MySpace pages.]
On my life, swear, that’s how it went. I’m now heading back to the pink informational pages before my projects manager fires me for non-performance, regardless of my wrinkle free, white skin. Ciao.
OY! I always wonder what these people think we would answer to the drug questions. “Oh yes, I have been been on heroine for years!” oh right.
I recently totaled my husbands old raggedy truck immediately after purchasing our less than fabulous christmas tree that was in the back of the truck.. and just now heard from the other insurance people. I had the right of way in this parking lot, but the girl who came barreling in did not. bang! This insurance woman got me sooooooo friggin pissed.. that i wound up screaming at her saying that her 18 yr old college student driver needs to take drivers ed over again because she obviously doesn’t know the rules of the road! And she said that I needed to be more careful!!! I swear, if i could have reached in her throat and ripped out anything, I would have. They denied the claim. shit.