Move the Frick Over…

Greetings loyal followers,

I would just like to tell you that I am WHITE FREAKIN’ HOT right now. Unstoppable. (Well, my cold has been stopping me a little, but let’s put that aside for a second. Image that should come to your mind at the moment is pumped up superhero who trips just before the grand entrance.)

Friday night I got together with some friends after my job at the beach. I was tired but craving some adult interaction. I met my “friends” at Parkway Grill to soothe my cold with a vodka lemonade. I have noticed that the combination of Zinc [lozenges] and vodka creates a charming feeling of self worth. I try to avoid politics and religion in this corner of my world, but natch, I can’t help myself on this one.

Here’s the situation: Fridays in Lent we’re not supposed to eat meat. (I do not need any comments on this, just proceed with the story.) Meat to me is defined as things with legs, wings, etc. Fish is not meat because those creatures hang out with their gills. But stuff with legs that poops is meat as far as I’m concerned. Now, I choose my friends carefully on a Friday night in Lent. Fridays during Lent are the ONLY days that literally cause cheeseburgers to appear on every commercial, at every meal and in every craving I dream about. The rest of the time, cheeseburgers aren’t so important to me. So on these special Fridays in Lent, it helps when your company is kind of in the same boat. (Think why you don’t hang out with the skinny girl eating a hot fudge sundae when you just joined Jenny Craig. Kind of bums you out.)

Back to Parkway. Love their food, love their vodka. Said Lenten “friends” show up and thank Godddddd the husband likes to eat because the wife talks a lot ABOUT eating but doesn’t do much of it. She puts on a good show, but yeah, not so much. You have to watch carefully, but really, she doesn’t ingest a lot. Husband decides to order up with me. Millions of items. I love this. Well then he starts in with the Caprese Salad with PROSCIUTTO. Now have you ever even seen a Caprese Salad served with prosciutto? Lots of time in Italy, no prosciutto on my capreses. Anyway, I’m thinking he’s going to say, “Hold the prosciutto.” Nope, no “holding.” Ah, hey buddy, the pig has feet and poops, we can’t eat that today. “Really, no prosciutto?” Ah, no. No, prosciutto. (Then I start wondering, we can’t eat prosciutto, right? I mean this is only for one day. This is for Jesus, ditch the prosciutto? I start doubting myself.)

Next order: Grilled Chicken. Grilled Chicken? WTF? “Oh yeah, we eat chicken on Fridays.” Excuse me? Now chicken isn’t meat either? So now if it doesn’t moo you can eat it? This goes down the slippery slope. “Well you know, Monsignor says that you can…” Ah, no, I did not know that Monsignor says anything other than what the rest of us have heard for the last FORTY YEARS which is that we don’t eat meat on Fridays in Lent.

So you can imagine what happens. “They” (He) orders about 10 courses. He agrees to bail on the prosciutto. I guess because I was somehow challenged, I decided that I would just eat and eat. Mind you it’s like 9 o’clock at night. Nothing good is going to come of this. He focuses on his chicken and basically I eat everything else. Because of where we were sitting at the bar, we actually had a shelf. Yep, a SHELF to store our extra plates as we grazed back and forth. I left that dinner completely disgusted.

I ate about 12 plates of non-meat food. Pathetic. We find out the wife’s nickname is “Monkey” because, you guessed it, she eats lots of bananas. She tries to tell me that she really does eat tons. Oh, ok. Well, she eats lots of bananas and “Cuties.” Do you know what Cuties are? Cuties are like baby oranges. I could eat 400 Cuties and not have even made a dent. This girl is a size minus 2 and now I now why. She eats bananas and Cuties. I want to gag myself with a ginormous-pork-sausage-on-Friday.

Saturday was spent nursing my muffin top. I’m in total seclusion at this point. I’m about to go on a hike which I know you guys all love. Me with my hiking videos. My blog hits will skyrocket. I am one big joke to you all. HOWEVER, I am white hot and don’t forget it.

Tuesday I get to tape a live show in San Diego about Easter (maybe I should poll the audience about prosciutto being a vegetable?) and then get to tape a national right after that (they said I can Tweet about it as soon as we have an air date in April. This is beyond exciting because this show has the 3 N’s: National, Network and Normal Time.) Now I’m sure the whole thing will work out if I don’t out eat myself of a career.

Hasta for now I’m on the hunt for some meat free chicken salads.