Baby photo below if you want to skip to that, I get it. No hard feelings.
It’s important that you get the baby nazi update because really the material is as good as the husband dialogue. I am not going to make these crazy funny posts just yet. Let’s lead up to that, trust me there is soooo much ground to cover.
One thing I should get out of the way (it is possible that my paranoia is drug-induced). It dawned on me that, should I become famous, some bottom dweller will eventually start looking for horrible dirt on me (and find plenty) kind of like what’s going to happen to sweet Mr. Rob Lowe with his nanny situation (much more on that train wreck to come.) My fear arose when I started throwing around the term “baby nazi” and I would like to clarify things. I am not a Nazi sympathizer (didn’t some star recently get in trouble for some kind of comments like this?) I despise everything about Hitler, what he was trying to do, etc. My use of the term “baby nazi” should be taken in the context of Seinfeld’s “soup nazi.” I absolutely DO NOT need hate mail right now. I am much too fragile and such mail would require me to take an additional prescription which just wouldn’t work right now. Then I gave this even more thought. I actually did visit Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest in Austria. Should someone dig that up too, I want to be up front. I was young and this was more of a historical/educational outing – not a show of support. The guy was for sure a real first class creep. Then it hits me that a lot of you guys know I was in Russia recently. I also am not a Communist sympathizer. That whole situation over there is just messed up too. If you like the Communists, great, but hold your mail until next week so I can get a better grip on my life. Then I can fire something smart back. Right now it would be like trying to beat up a bug. You win. Next.
So the baby nazi gets here yesterday afternoon, thankfully after my lunch. I decided that I would eat some pesto pasta (lots of garlic – remember, the b.n. keeps me on a REALLY restricted diet. Note that the diet is not to lose weight. She could care less if I weight 400 pounds and the Fritos’ truck is parked in the garage, she just doesn’t want me eating anything funky to disturb the princess’s digestive track while she’s on duty – 2 weeks.) So the pesto was yes, a bratty choice, but I wanted to go for last call meal #2. This was great. I did a chocolate brownie chaser (with nuts – bad, bad, bad – sorry Gretchen [trainer] if you’re reading this, I am going to get it together) and a couple of white chocolate cookies (more nuts) and I think a carbonated beverage (can’t exactly remember because the Percoset started working well by that point.) B.N. shows up, I’m finished with my plate but she comes to visit me in my room. Frick! I forgot to put the dish and fork in the sink. She absolutely glares at the chocolate residue which I swear I practically sucked off the plate but she’s not totally positive she’s encountered an infraction and it’s only the first day. She might be suspiscious but I won round one.
Update: Chocolate has been firmly digested and so far the baby is doing great. Stay tuned, I have a LOT to blog about right now. You’ll probably get another one this afternoon; the material is just too ripe and plentiful right now. Kind of like a big, green orange tree sagging with lots of low lying fruit. Too easy to resist. Too sumptuous not to taste. Maybe I’m feeling an Adam and Eve blog coming on. Too many drugs…
See baby photo. BTW, she’s getting over the jaundice and is now not so orange. Hey, maybe that’s where I came up with the orange tree analogy??
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