I am forced to interrupt my normally scheduled daily programming of my life to blog. On Monday after visiting my trainer, I blogged about the Whole Foods people and my inability to stay out of my SUV or their cookie bin. Today, I go to my trainer (first time since this ill-fated adventure) and, as you can imagine, I do not exactly feel fabulous. I mean, I am still a nursing mother, trying to get the remainder of this baby weight off and I have to deal with this latest encounter. Upon seeing the trainer, she immediately launches into the fact that she has been soooooo busy that she has dropped down to like 119 pounds and just can’t keep the weight on. Oh, mother of G–. Who the hell wants to hear that?! She’s already like 6? tall to begin with, blonde and long legged. In fact, she has to wear those ankle straps on her fancy shoes that the rest of us have to avoid to “bulk up the look of her ankles” (too thin.) What in God’s green land (excuse the use of the Lord’s name in vain here but I am desperate) does she think an announcement about being too busy to gain any weight is going to do for me? And too busy doing what? Trying on her size 0’s? Going to the tailor to see if they can nip and tuck for thin people? Shut the h— up.
I am consuming super foods and high fiber foods and low carbohydrates until the cows come home. I am trying to flush, jump and fat-free my way into my fat jeans as fast as possible. I’ve got more blueberries in my fridge than the whole state of Vermont and this yo yo can’t f—ing remember to eat? Who can’t remember to eat? Forget to eat? I haven’t forgotten to eat since 1969 when I didn’t know how good chocolate tasted. Speaking of, in my depression, I ran home and consumed the rest of my back up dark chocolate bar. And you want to know what? The back up bar only has 50% pure cocoa. I thought the Whole Foods people were rotten? They are geniuses, it’s Trader Joe’s now I’m after and their 50% cocoa mishap that I just digested. Please tell me where the 95% cocoa bars that Dr. Oz and everyone are eating live so I can go and git me some.
Let me just tell you skinny women something: NONE of the rest of us are interested in your evil plight, nor inability to keep the pounds on. It’s the equivalent of some guy gloating to his posse that his johnson’s so big he needs specially tailored underpants. There is no good outcome that’s going to come of this. And yes, I know my trainer is going to read this, and I’m sorry but us fat people need you anorexics to get some online sensitivity training. That is if you can manage to take a class while trying to keep your blasted self nourished. And how was YOUR day?
Leave a Reply