Who Am I? The Snarky Truth Behind Mr. Star Jones Reynolds

Lord, forgive me for posting this on the Sabbath, but I just cannot resist:

Who am I?

I talk with a lisp, wear bow ties, cannot embrace my gayness no matter how “out” I really am. I pitched, b–ched and pimped out my entire wedding for publicity and the love of my bug-eyed wife and now even Barbara Walters is bagging on me. Who am I?

Mr. Star Jones Reynolds. I’ll be out of the closet any second now. Pinky swear.